pregnancy heightens emotions. i bawled during juno last night even though it was the third time i've seen it, and today at church i started crying again when a lady shared how she's been struggling with infertility for 12 years, 12 YEARS! i've never been compassionate about infertility until i became pregnant--and now it breaks my heart. i just want to give my baby to the couples trying so hard to conceive. perhaps i am more conscious of infertility because i talk about babies and pregnancy much more than ever before, but wow--it is such a huge struggle. at dinner parties i try not to dominate the conversation with updates on our baby even though it is so natural to want to share, so to shift the attention away from myself i casually ask other couples when they want to conceive--big mistake! about half of the people i've asked are trying to have a child, some for many years. i just don't understand how it can be so easy for some and difficult for others.
today i was reminded of how thankful i am to be able to conceive. when james and i first found out we were expecting, i wish we could say we were blissfully elated, but instead we spent days in shock of the unbelievable reality of our new situation. it even crossed my mind that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if we had a miscarriage and i mentally prepared myself for the (higher than i knew) chance that it could happen. now i am so, so thankful that our baby is still growing and healthy. i don't think i could've mentally processed losing my child, especially if we wanted to wait years before trying again.
i believe God gives women 9 months of pregnancy not only for the baby to grow, but for the couple to mentally prepare. part of james and my sadness with getting pregnant so soon after marriage was that we wouldn't have time to grow together and enjoy just being a couple, but i've realized that we had 3 great years of dating with plenty of "us" time, and now we have 9 more months to live up every free night. although we have no idea how much work raising a child will be, i feel like it will strengthen and deepen our relationship that much more. i know it will be stressful, more stressful than i can ever imagine, but we are ready.